Andersen Consulting

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around all and saw that the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Three Huts

A man was stranded on a deserted Pacific island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper’s attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.

After a while the sailor asks, “What are those three huts you have here?”

“Well, that’s my house there.”

“What’s that next hut?” asks the sailor.

“I built that hut to be my church.”

“What about the other hut?”

“Oh, that’s where I used to go to church.”

Parrot of the Caribbean

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Dog at the Butcher Shop

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse attached around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog.

The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of ground beef.

He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner replied, "He's not all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

What's a 'Specimen'?

Young Mary O'Reilly thought she was a bit pregnant, and it being the first time she went to see the doctor, to see if all was right. Coming home to her husband Paddy, she explained the doctor said he needed a specimen. Not wanting to seem ignorant of such things she had waited to ask Paddy what "a specimen" was. Paddy not knowing either said: "Go see the widow O'Malley, next door, she had eighteen children, she is bound to know.

So young Mary wanders off to the widow O'Malley's. She comes back about ten minutes later, her dress all torn, her hair a shambles, her face all scratched. Paddy asks: "What happened to you?" And Mary answers: "Well I went to the widow O'Malley and asked her what a specimen was. 'Pee in a bottle,' she says. 'Shit in your hat,' I say. And the fight was on..."

Two Irishmen in a Lifeboat

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

John Ritter Exposed

In an episode of Three's Company John Ritter may have briefly showed a little scrotum while wearing shorts. An astute viewer complained to Nickelodeon which was re-running the old shows. The offending flesh was apparently edited out for future broadcasts. Ritter, told the press when asked about the controversy: "I've requested that [Nickelodeon] air both versions, edited and unedited, because sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't."

Gorilla On The Roof

A man wakes up one morning and there’s a gorilla on his roof. So he calls the local zoo, and although the gorilla handler is out sick, his assistant says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The assistant arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a pole, a shotgun, handcuffs and a big dog on a leash.

“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.

“I’m going to climb this ladder to the roof and knock the gorilla off with this pole. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab him by the testicles and not let go. Then I cuff him and put him in the cage in the back of the van. But since the boss is out, I need your help.” He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What’s this for?” the homeowner wants to know.

“That’s in case the gorilla knocks me off the roof.”

“What do I do with it?” the homeowner asks.

“Shoot the dog!”

Dog Haiku

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Meter reader-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.

The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.

Long Billed Duck

Bubba took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn’t eat.
The Doctor explained to Bubba that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it’s food. “What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck’s nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water, it’ll drown.”
Bubba goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
“Well, how is that duck of yours?” the Doctor inquires.
“He’s dead.” declared the heartbroken Bubba.
“I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn’t he?” insisted the Doctor.
“Nah.” lamented Bubba. “I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise.”