Dog at the Butcher Shop

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse attached around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog.

The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of ground beef.

He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner replied, "He's not all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

Dog Haiku

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Meter reader-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.

The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.

A Very Smart Dog

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
“This is a very smart dog,” the man commented.
“He’s not that smart,” said one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

Why Dogs are better than Women

1. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
2. Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
3. Dogs think you sing great.
4. Dogs love red meat.
5. Dogs don’t shop.
6. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
7. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
8. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
9. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
10. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
11. A dog’s parents never visit.
12. Dogs appreciate excessive hair.
13. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
14. Dogs don’t notice if you give their offspring away.
15. Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late.
16. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
17. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
18. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
19. A dog’s disposition doesn’t change in 28 day cycles.
20. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
21. Dogs love long car trips.
22. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
23. Dogs seldom outlive you.
24. Dogs aren’t chatty.
25. You never have to wait for a dog, They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
26. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
27. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dog were made to be hunted.
28. Dogs never criticize.
29. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
30. Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
31. Dogs never want foot rubs.
32. Dogs can’t talk.
33. Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, or the back of your sock drawer.
34. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
35. Dogs don’t worry about germs.
36. Dogs never expect gifts.
37. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
38. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get you point across.
39. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

The Purina Diet

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

I could just hear Bill Engvall whisper in my ear "Here's your sign."

So on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!