What's a 'Specimen'?

Young Mary O'Reilly thought she was a bit pregnant, and it being the first time she went to see the doctor, to see if all was right. Coming home to her husband Paddy, she explained the doctor said he needed a specimen. Not wanting to seem ignorant of such things she had waited to ask Paddy what "a specimen" was. Paddy not knowing either said: "Go see the widow O'Malley, next door, she had eighteen children, she is bound to know.

So young Mary wanders off to the widow O'Malley's. She comes back about ten minutes later, her dress all torn, her hair a shambles, her face all scratched. Paddy asks: "What happened to you?" And Mary answers: "Well I went to the widow O'Malley and asked her what a specimen was. 'Pee in a bottle,' she says. 'Shit in your hat,' I say. And the fight was on..."

John Ritter Exposed

In an episode of Three's Company John Ritter may have briefly showed a little scrotum while wearing shorts. An astute viewer complained to Nickelodeon which was re-running the old shows. The offending flesh was apparently edited out for future broadcasts. Ritter, told the press when asked about the controversy: "I've requested that [Nickelodeon] air both versions, edited and unedited, because sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't."

Gorilla On The Roof

A man wakes up one morning and there’s a gorilla on his roof. So he calls the local zoo, and although the gorilla handler is out sick, his assistant says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The assistant arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a pole, a shotgun, handcuffs and a big dog on a leash.

“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.

“I’m going to climb this ladder to the roof and knock the gorilla off with this pole. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab him by the testicles and not let go. Then I cuff him and put him in the cage in the back of the van. But since the boss is out, I need your help.” He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What’s this for?” the homeowner wants to know.

“That’s in case the gorilla knocks me off the roof.”

“What do I do with it?” the homeowner asks.

“Shoot the dog!”

Why Dogs are better than Women

1. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
2. Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
3. Dogs think you sing great.
4. Dogs love red meat.
5. Dogs don’t shop.
6. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
7. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
8. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
9. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
10. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
11. A dog’s parents never visit.
12. Dogs appreciate excessive hair.
13. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
14. Dogs don’t notice if you give their offspring away.
15. Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late.
16. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
17. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
18. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
19. A dog’s disposition doesn’t change in 28 day cycles.
20. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
21. Dogs love long car trips.
22. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
23. Dogs seldom outlive you.
24. Dogs aren’t chatty.
25. You never have to wait for a dog, They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
26. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
27. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dog were made to be hunted.
28. Dogs never criticize.
29. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
30. Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
31. Dogs never want foot rubs.
32. Dogs can’t talk.
33. Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, or the back of your sock drawer.
34. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
35. Dogs don’t worry about germs.
36. Dogs never expect gifts.
37. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
38. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get you point across.
39. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

I’m not Elvis

Father O’Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, “Elvis! Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead Elvis! How have you been?”

Father looks at her and says, “Get outta me face. Can’t you see I’m not Elvis? I don’t look a thing like Elvis.”

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he’s a little upset so he tells the cabby, “Take me to my hotel and step on it.”

The cabby turns and says, “Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead! I’m your number one fan! It’s so great to see you!”

“Shut up, you imbecile. I’m not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!”

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O’Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. “Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s you!” screams the hotel clerk. “You’re back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I’m so glad you’re back!”

Father O’Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, “Thank you. Thank you very much!”

Ted Nugent on How Deer Think

Conservative Rocker Ted Nugent, an avid hunter, was recently interviewed by a French journalist on "HUNTING NUGENT".

During the course of the interview the journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the mind of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it, 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent immediately replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.' ... They are very much like the French."

The Purina Diet

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

I could just hear Bill Engvall whisper in my ear "Here's your sign."

So on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

Labor Pains Could Kill You

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!