A Wise Veterinarian

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Zumbrota, Minnesota, for $200.

They bought the cow from Minnesota and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. So, they decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow in Minnesota?”

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Minnesota?”

With a far-away look in his eye, the Vet replied, “My wife is from Minnesota.”

Women, PMS, Light Bulb

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only one!! And do you know why it only takes one? Because no one else in this house knows how to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is burned out. They would sit in this house in the dark for three days before they figured it out. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the same cupboard for the past seventeen years. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, two days later the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the stupid light bulb would still be in the same spot!! And underneath it would be the crumpled wrapper the stupid @*!#$% light bulbs came in! Why?! Because no one in this house ever carries out the garbage!! It’s a wonder we haven’t all suffocated from the piles of garbage that are 12 feet deep throughout the entire house. The house!! It would take an army to clean this... I’m sorry...what did you ask me?

George's Obituary

George died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about George.
Lena replied, “You just put ‘George died’”
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just “George died?’ Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about George. If its money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.”
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “O.K. You put ‘George died. Boat for sale.’”

A Mother's Intuition

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said, "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite.

Insult My Wife, Please

One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, “Please insult my wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her.”
Groucho turned to the man and said, “Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself: To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!”

Why Dogs are better than Women

1. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
2. Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
3. Dogs think you sing great.
4. Dogs love red meat.
5. Dogs don’t shop.
6. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
7. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
8. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
9. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
10. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
11. A dog’s parents never visit.
12. Dogs appreciate excessive hair.
13. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
14. Dogs don’t notice if you give their offspring away.
15. Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late.
16. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
17. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
18. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
19. A dog’s disposition doesn’t change in 28 day cycles.
20. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
21. Dogs love long car trips.
22. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
23. Dogs seldom outlive you.
24. Dogs aren’t chatty.
25. You never have to wait for a dog, They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
26. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
27. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dog were made to be hunted.
28. Dogs never criticize.
29. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
30. Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
31. Dogs never want foot rubs.
32. Dogs can’t talk.
33. Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, or the back of your sock drawer.
34. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
35. Dogs don’t worry about germs.
36. Dogs never expect gifts.
37. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
38. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get you point across.
39. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

The Good Grandmother

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water and she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. Swept away. She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!" A few minutes later, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."

Labor Pains Could Kill You

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

Man on Cell Phone Sees Auto Accident

This is a little slow starting but well worth the listen.
http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf