Showing posts with label Men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Men. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
John Ritter Exposed
In an episode of Three's Company John Ritter may have briefly showed a little scrotum while wearing shorts. An astute viewer complained to Nickelodeon which was re-running the old shows. The offending flesh was apparently edited out for future broadcasts. Ritter, told the press when asked about the controversy: "I've requested that [Nickelodeon] air both versions, edited and unedited, because sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't."
Gorilla On The Roof
A man wakes up one morning and there’s a gorilla on his roof. So he calls the local zoo, and although the gorilla handler is out sick, his assistant says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The assistant arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a pole, a shotgun, handcuffs and a big dog on a leash.
“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.
“I’m going to climb this ladder to the roof and knock the gorilla off with this pole. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab him by the testicles and not let go. Then I cuff him and put him in the cage in the back of the van. But since the boss is out, I need your help.” He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s this for?” the homeowner wants to know.
“That’s in case the gorilla knocks me off the roof.”
“What do I do with it?” the homeowner asks.
“Shoot the dog!”
Long Billed Duck
Bubba took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn’t eat.
The Doctor explained to Bubba that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it’s food. “What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck’s nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water, it’ll drown.”
Bubba goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
“Well, how is that duck of yours?” the Doctor inquires.
“He’s dead.” declared the heartbroken Bubba.
“I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn’t he?” insisted the Doctor.
“Nah.” lamented Bubba. “I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise.”
The Doctor explained to Bubba that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it’s food. “What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck’s nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water, it’ll drown.”
Bubba goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
“Well, how is that duck of yours?” the Doctor inquires.
“He’s dead.” declared the heartbroken Bubba.
“I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn’t he?” insisted the Doctor.
“Nah.” lamented Bubba. “I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise.”
Monday, April 30, 2007
Steve’s Widow
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding.
Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize they’ll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. “So did you tell her?” asks Jeff. “Yep”, replies Bob. “Say, where did you get the six-pack?”
Bob informs Jeff. “She gave it to me.”
“What??” exclaims Jeff, “you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??”
“Sure,” Bob says.
“Why?” asks Jeff.
“Well,” Bob continues, “when she answered the door, I asked her, ‘are you Steve’s widow?’ ‘Widow?’, she said, ‘no, no, you’re mistaken, I’m not a widow!’”
So I said: “I’ll bet you a six-pack you are!’”
Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize they’ll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. “So did you tell her?” asks Jeff. “Yep”, replies Bob. “Say, where did you get the six-pack?”
Bob informs Jeff. “She gave it to me.”
“What??” exclaims Jeff, “you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??”
“Sure,” Bob says.
“Why?” asks Jeff.
“Well,” Bob continues, “when she answered the door, I asked her, ‘are you Steve’s widow?’ ‘Widow?’, she said, ‘no, no, you’re mistaken, I’m not a widow!’”
So I said: “I’ll bet you a six-pack you are!’”
His First Apartment
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we’d like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, “Yes, what do you have?”
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and replied, “I have pickle juice or water.”
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and replied, “I have pickle juice or water.”
The Football Hero
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms. “Hey, lady,” yells Larry, “Throw me the cat.”
“No,” she cries, “It’s too far.”
“I play football, I can catch him.”
The smoke is pouring from the windows. Finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
“No,” she cries, “It’s too far.”
“I play football, I can catch him.”
The smoke is pouring from the windows. Finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
Black Boxes in Trucks
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged their joint venture with the US automakers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the automakers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, “AAAGGGGGHHHH!”
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, watch this!”
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, watch this!”
Memory Building
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, and association. It made a huge difference for me.”
“That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?”
Fred went blank and he thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”
“You mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife... “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”
Dead Friend
Bill and David are out in the woods hunting, when David falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Bill whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard..... Bill says, “OK, now what?”
Bill whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard..... Bill says, “OK, now what?”
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Ted Nugent on How Deer Think
Conservative Rocker Ted Nugent, an avid hunter, was recently interviewed by a French journalist on "HUNTING NUGENT".
During the course of the interview the journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the mind of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it, 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent immediately replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.' ... They are very much like the French."
During the course of the interview the journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the mind of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it, 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent immediately replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.' ... They are very much like the French."
The Purina Diet
I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
I could just hear Bill Engvall whisper in my ear "Here's your sign."
So on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
I could just hear Bill Engvall whisper in my ear "Here's your sign."
So on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
Wireless Security System
How to install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition -back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition -back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."
Marriage Seminar
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor say, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men: "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
He then addressed the men: "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
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