Steve’s Widow

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding.
Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize they’ll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. “So did you tell her?” asks Jeff. “Yep”, replies Bob. “Say, where did you get the six-pack?”
Bob informs Jeff. “She gave it to me.”
“What??” exclaims Jeff, “you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??”
“Sure,” Bob says.
“Why?” asks Jeff.
“Well,” Bob continues, “when she answered the door, I asked her, ‘are you Steve’s widow?’ ‘Widow?’, she said, ‘no, no, you’re mistaken, I’m not a widow!’”
So I said: “I’ll bet you a six-pack you are!’”

His First Apartment

Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we’d like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, “Yes, what do you have?”
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and replied, “I have pickle juice or water.”

The Football Hero

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms. “Hey, lady,” yells Larry, “Throw me the cat.”
“No,” she cries, “It’s too far.”
“I play football, I can catch him.”
The smoke is pouring from the windows. Finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

The Fast Turtle

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle‘s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender asks the man, “What‘s wrong with your turtle?”
“Nothing,” the man responds, “This turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I‘ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”
So the bartender, thinking it‘s an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.
“Told you it‘ll be there before your dog.”

Terror in Cannibal Country

An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. ”What are those drums?” asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.
The guide turned to him and said “No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop.” They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.
“Do as I do! Very important!” intoned the guide with great urgency.
“Why? What does this mean?” asked the panicked anthropologist.
“Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!”

Dave Barry Quotes Benjamin Franklin

“You need to make a New Year’s Resolution to get organized. As Benjamin Franklin so aptly put it, in one of his pithy maxims: ‘If a man be organized, then that man be a lot more organized than the man whom do not be as organized as the first man I was talking about earlier in this maxim.’ Or words to that effect. I have the exact quote around here somewhere.” - Dave Barry

Mommy is at a Tupperware Party

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, “Where did mommy go?”
In answer to his question, he was told, “Mommy is at a Tupperware party.”
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, “What’s a Tupperware party, daddy?”
The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. “Well, son,” he said, “at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other.”
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime... Then he burst out into laughter, and said, “Come on, Dad! What is it really?”

Room Service

Be warned, you’re going to find yourself talking “funny” for a while after reading this. It was nominated best email of 1997. A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and Room Service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service: “Morny. Ruin sorbees”
Guest: “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service”
Room Serv.: “Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??”
Guest: “Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs.”
Room Serv.: “Ow July den?”
Guest: “What??”
Room Serv.: “Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?”
Guest: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.”
Room Serv.: “Ow July dee baychem...crease?”
Guest: “Crisp will be fine”
Room Serv.: “Hokay. An San tos?”
Guest: “What?”
Room Serv.: “San tos. July San tos?”
Guest: “I don’t think so”
Room Serv.: “No? Judo one toes??”
Guest: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo one toes’ means.”
Room Serv.: “Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?”
Guest: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”
Room Serv.: “We bother?”
Guest: “No..just put the bother on the side.”
Room Serv.: “Wad?”
Guest: “I mean butter...just put it on the side.”
Room Serv.: “Copy?”
Guest: “Sorry?”
Room Serv.: “Copy...tea...mill?”
Guest: “Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.”
Room Serv.: “One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??”
Guest: “Whatever you say”
Room Serv.: “Tendjewberrymud”
Guest: “You’re welcome”

Women, PMS, Light Bulb

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only one!! And do you know why it only takes one? Because no one else in this house knows how to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is burned out. They would sit in this house in the dark for three days before they figured it out. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the same cupboard for the past seventeen years. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, two days later the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the stupid light bulb would still be in the same spot!! And underneath it would be the crumpled wrapper the stupid @*!#$% light bulbs came in! Why?! Because no one in this house ever carries out the garbage!! It’s a wonder we haven’t all suffocated from the piles of garbage that are 12 feet deep throughout the entire house. The house!! It would take an army to clean this... I’m sorry...what did you ask me?

Black Boxes in Trucks

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged their joint venture with the US automakers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the automakers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, “AAAGGGGGHHHH!”

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, watch this!”

What Are You Looking At?

Three salesmen were driving cross country when their car broke down far from civilization. After walking for some distance they came to a farm­house. They asked the farmer if there was a service station nearby. He replied that there was one in town but that it wouldn’t be open until the next day. He offered to let them stay at his house that night, on one condition ... “Don’t draw attention to my son. He’s very sensitive because he was born without any ears.”

After agreeing to his wishes the salesmen spent the night with the farmer. The next morning at the breakfast table the son noticed that the salesmen were staring at him. “What are you looking at?”, he demanded.

The first salesman replied, “I was looking at your beautiful smile, it’s important to take care of your teeth so you don’t have to wear dentures.”

The second salesman said, “I was looking at your thick curly hair, it’s important to take care of your hair so you don’t go bald and have to wear a wig.”

The third said, “I was looking at your clear blue eyes, it’s important to take care of your eyes, ... Lord knows you can’t wear glasses.”

Letters to God From Children

Dear God,
I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love,
Alison

Dear God.
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy

Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce

Please send me a pony I never ask for anything before you can look it up
-Bruce

Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.
-Marsha

Dear God,
If you watch in church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
-Mickey D.

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.
-Eugene

Dear God,
I don't ever feel alone since I found out about you.
-Nora

Three Beers

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”

“Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.” The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all...”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I’ve decided to give up drinking for Lent.”

Robin Funeral

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
“Glory be unto the Faaaather. And unto the sonnn.......and into the hole he gooooes.”

George's Obituary

George died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about George.
Lena replied, “You just put ‘George died’”
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just “George died?’ Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about George. If its money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.”
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “O.K. You put ‘George died. Boat for sale.’”

Country Music

“I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.’” –Bob Newhart

A Very Smart Dog

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
“This is a very smart dog,” the man commented.
“He’s not that smart,” said one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

A Mother's Intuition

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said, "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite.

Insult My Wife, Please

One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, “Please insult my wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her.”
Groucho turned to the man and said, “Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself: To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!”

How far can you go?

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, “So how high can you advance in your organization?”
The Priest says “If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.”
“Well, could you get any higher than that?” asks the Rabbi.
“I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an Arch Bishop” said the Priest a bit cautiously.
“Is there any way that you might go higher than that?”
“If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal”, said the priest.
“Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?” probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said “I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but...”
So the Rabbi says “And could you be anything higher than that?, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?”
“What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!”
The Rabbi leaned back and said “One of our boys made it.”

Hamster and Frog

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”
The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”
The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risqué.”
“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs.
And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
“Money or another miracle, or else no drink”, says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”
“Not so”, says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

The Wit of Groucho Marx

I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Offering

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the usher passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, “Don’t pay for me Daddy. I’m under five.”

The Golden Club

The morning after a night on the town in Minneapolis, Bob’s friend told him about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated.

Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he phoned the Golden Club. “Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?” Bob asked.

“Yes, it’s true” replied the voice on the other end.

“And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?” asked Bob.

“Yes it is” was the reply from the other end.

“And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?” inquired Bob.

Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band “Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last night!”

Memory Building

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, and association. It made a huge difference for me.”

“That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?”

Fred went blank and he thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife... “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

Proverbs

• Home is where you can say anything you like, ‘cause nobody listens to you anyway.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?’
• I see your IQ test results were negative.
• I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
• How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
• No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
• I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.
• How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
• Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
• Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
• Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Why Dogs are better than Women

1. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
2. Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
3. Dogs think you sing great.
4. Dogs love red meat.
5. Dogs don’t shop.
6. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
7. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
8. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
9. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
10. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
11. A dog’s parents never visit.
12. Dogs appreciate excessive hair.
13. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
14. Dogs don’t notice if you give their offspring away.
15. Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late.
16. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
17. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
18. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
19. A dog’s disposition doesn’t change in 28 day cycles.
20. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
21. Dogs love long car trips.
22. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
23. Dogs seldom outlive you.
24. Dogs aren’t chatty.
25. You never have to wait for a dog, They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
26. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
27. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dog were made to be hunted.
28. Dogs never criticize.
29. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
30. Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
31. Dogs never want foot rubs.
32. Dogs can’t talk.
33. Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, or the back of your sock drawer.
34. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
35. Dogs don’t worry about germs.
36. Dogs never expect gifts.
37. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
38. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get you point across.
39. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dead Friend

Bill and David are out in the woods hunting, when David falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Bill whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard..... Bill says, “OK, now what?”

I’m not Elvis

Father O’Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, “Elvis! Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead Elvis! How have you been?”

Father looks at her and says, “Get outta me face. Can’t you see I’m not Elvis? I don’t look a thing like Elvis.”

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he’s a little upset so he tells the cabby, “Take me to my hotel and step on it.”

The cabby turns and says, “Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead! I’m your number one fan! It’s so great to see you!”

“Shut up, you imbecile. I’m not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!”

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O’Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. “Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s you!” screams the hotel clerk. “You’re back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I’m so glad you’re back!”

Father O’Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, “Thank you. Thank you very much!”

Find the Easter Bunny

Can you find the Easter Bunny in this picture?

Grampa’s Frog Imitation

A little girl says, "Grampa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad’s lap she says,
"Grampa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grampa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grampa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "’Cause Daddy said that when you croak, we’re going to Disneyland!"

Ted Nugent on How Deer Think

Conservative Rocker Ted Nugent, an avid hunter, was recently interviewed by a French journalist on "HUNTING NUGENT".

During the course of the interview the journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the mind of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it, 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent immediately replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.' ... They are very much like the French."

The Purina Diet

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

I could just hear Bill Engvall whisper in my ear "Here's your sign."

So on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

Offertory Prayer

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer: "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point ...

Outside a Pharmacy

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle -- just standing there, frozen. The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

The assistant replies, "Yes, he was. He had the most terrible cough, and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

The pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."

The assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!"

Two Fingers

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.”

A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”

Wireless Security System

How to install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition -back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."

Marriage Seminar

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor say, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men: "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

The Good Grandmother

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water and she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. Swept away. She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!" A few minutes later, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."

Labor Pains Could Kill You

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

A Gift for the Teacher

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue."Is it wine?" she asked."No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Suave Senior

A rather elderly gentleman (mid-nineties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit with a flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image. Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?"

Man on Cell Phone Sees Auto Accident

This is a little slow starting but well worth the listen.
http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

How to Spend $2

Just to make conversation his pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV ads, "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"
"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.
"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"
"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

Vet At The Doctors

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
“Hey look, I’m a vet–I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?”
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down.”